May 14, 2008...8:44 am
In Memoriam
It’s been almost a year since the demise of my last relationship. His admission of “I just can’t do this anymore” came two months too late, as we’d spent those months in a destructive stalemate, while he “tried to figure out” whether he wanted to stay with me or not.
He was older. Not quite ten years, but close. It gave him the illusion of maturity and experience, which can be very attractive to an early twenty something. He smelled like cigarettes and cologne, which was heady and stimulating.
The relationship was a series of dramas, right from the beginning. I remember a good friend of mine commenting that I never seemed completely happy in the relationship, and he was right. We had this deep connection, though… that meant we were supposed to be together, right? I spent those two and a half years making excuses to myself and to others. We were just two dominant personalities, that’s why we fought so much. Sometimes he just gets so wrapped up in partying, he doesn’t know when to stop drinking. We get each other, that’s why we work. Etc, ad infinitum.
There were times I had contemplated leaving him over the course of the relationship. In hindsight I sometimes wonder what made me stay, and the sad reality is I think it was fear. I’m not sure what I was afraid of… maybe loneliness? Lack of security? I don’t know. Plus, I did care about him, and I was so flattered that he chose me. He dramatically chose me over others, which felt amazing. Why his opinion mattered so much, I don’t know. And we were going to get married. Eventually. It was meant to be.
The last two months of that relationship were a nightmare. The downfall was precipitated by a fight. I did something stupid which, on the surface, wasn’t too terrible. It was, however, the straw that broke the camel’s back. In the decline, I wouldn’t know who I would wake up to each day. A stranger who seemed to view me like I was an exhibit in a zoo or some semblance of the man who used to give a damn. Whether it was the former or the latter, it was never the same. He still loved me, he’d say, but each day he’d say that if he had to make the decision right then, he’d leave. It drove me crazy, and I should have walked away. I wanted to. He should have, too. The truth was neither of us had the guts to pull the trigger. We’d also spent so much time living in drama, it was just another episode of our issues manifesting themselves.
It always hurts when the person who leaves you is someone who you had a million reasons to leave yourself. It makes it worse, makes it harder… even if you don’t want them back, you analyze and over-analyze. You “want them back” even though you don’t. It’s okay for us to leave them, but it’s demoralizing when they’re the first to go. What does it say about me when someone I can’t stand doesn’t even want me?
I spent the next few months spiraling in and out of depression, numbing myself with scotch, and humiliating myself while trying to make sense of what had happened.
Looking back on it, I sometimes wonder if I ever loved him or loved the idea of loving him. I cared about him, but love? I don’t know. I never completely trusted him. I was never completely happy. While I experienced some amazing things and places, I question whether it was worth it, and not because he hurt me. To be honest, I don’t even know why we were together or how we managed to stay together as long as we did. We didn’t want the same things. I see that now. I spent the whole time compromising myself and what I wanted. Hell, it took me two months to even find him attractive. So many of my thoughts began with the phrase “Things would be perfect if only he’d…”
There are times I catch myself wishing the whole thing had never happened, and not because of “the pain” or the “heartache” resulting from the fallout. It feels like a waste. Then I remember how happy I am now. When I finally emerged from the fog of the breakup I intentionally took time to get to know myself. I had spent years trying to be some version of Liz I thought people wanted. Of course that never works. That break up snapped me out of some cycle that had been going on since I lived with my father. So I guess the relationship had some merit, even if the only merit was what the breakup caused me to do.
It feels like another lifetime. I’ve forgotten what he sounds like. The little nuances have faded with time. The inside jokes have lost their meaning. All the things that made him seem deep and complicated all smack of contrivance and vapid ego.
I was walking down Constitution Avenue on my lunch break today. The sun was shining. Things are going great. I am getting married to the man I love. We have our little family, complete with crazy pup and hamster. We’re moving to my favorite city in the whole world, and have so much fun. We share so much, and it’s funny how it suddenly dawns on you “Oh, this is what it’s supposed to be like. This is what love is.”
So I guess I can thank the Ex for that.
Thanks for the memories. Thanks for the experience. Thank you for showing me that no person is worth compromising yourself for. Thank you for that most of all. I may never know why I stayed so long, but if all those events got me to where I am right now, I wouldn’t trade that for anything. Alone those experiences weren’t worth the space they take up in my memory, but knowing where I am now is only possible because it caused me to wake up makes it worth it. I just wish it hadn’t taken two and a half years to figure it out.
Onward and upward, though. I have my whole life ahead of me, and I couldn’t be more thrilled.
16 Comments
May 14, 2008 at 12:10 pm
Wow. Can I ever relate to this post. I bet most of your readers can too. Thanks for pouring it all out for us and congratulations not only on getting married, but for finding perspective.
May 14, 2008 at 1:28 pm
Liz, as someone who’s been following you via the internets for years, I can say that it’s truly amazing to see you grow into the woman you are today - and I read your posts now in awe of the happy place you are now. I do remember your past relationship, and I’m so effin’ thrilled that you found someone that makes you happy and loves you so much. Gah, all I can say is YAY!
It’s kind of weird how much I feel I know you, though we’ve never met!
May 14, 2008 at 2:19 pm
onwards and upwards indeed! I’m so happy for this new chapter in your life.
May 14, 2008 at 2:32 pm
Sigh…feels nice, doesn’t it?
May 14, 2008 at 2:48 pm
Thank you so much for your honesty. It probably makes a lot of people (like me) feel less crazy after going through similar situations. Congratulations on finding real love!
May 14, 2008 at 8:42 pm
That post was really powerful and it reads like the last four years of my life. My breakup killed me. He left me after four years (on our four year anniversary) and honestly? I was the one that was supposed to leave. To stop compromising. To start living my life and stop living his. But, it was that “deep connection” that I couldn’t deny.
Ten months later, I’m still coming out of the fog but grasping my world with so much strength that I could never go back to that life.
Though my story sounds familiar to yours, I’m missing the “ending” to mine. Your ending is your beginning and I’m so happy for you. You give me hope. Thank you for your post.
May 15, 2008 at 12:54 am
I’m so glad that you’ve gotten to a point where you’re able to look back on a failed relationship and see how you’ve grown and become a better person for it. It took me a very long time to get there with my own toxic relationship, but it’s amazing how free you feel when you can let go of the anger!
May 15, 2008 at 1:09 am
I hope to one day be able to look back and be this honest with myself about my most recent breakup. Thank you for being so honest and sharing this with all of us
May 15, 2008 at 2:49 am
It’s funny how it feels to look back on so many occasions where you thought you could figure everything out, and realise you didn’t know the half of it. I do it sometimes and I’m in awe of what I put myself through!
Thanks for baring your soul.
It’s funny how when you find “the one” everything from the past has nothing on what you have now.
Take care
May 15, 2008 at 6:23 pm
@Everyone: Thank you so much, guys. Your comments were so wonderful. It’s nice to know that people can relate to something like that, especially since when you’re going through it, you feel as if no one has ever felt as much pain you are feeling, etc. It’s such a lonely place.
But yea, thank you so much. <3
May 16, 2008 at 8:15 am
I have been through the bad and have emerged a much better person because of it, so I can definitely relate. However, I have given up on finding the good because of the last few dates I’ve been on, all of them didn’t hold a candle to dinner out with my friends or a night in watching the Golden Girls. And most of them were fairly nuts (I swear this one guy admitted to having sex with only prostitutes for the last 2 years…can you say “Check, please!”). But it always gives me hope to hear stories like you and Patrick’s!
May 16, 2008 at 11:59 am
@dcnewbie: Well guys are missing out. I mean, aside from the fact that you’re awesome, your cooking must bring guys a-runnin’! (In a good way!)
I hear you, though. Dating is just awful. When I was single I canceled quite a few because I just wanted to stay snuggled up on my couch with a cup of chai tea, watching movies.
As for Patrick, haha. Ironically we’ve known each other since we were 19, but just started dating last year. How weird.
May 19, 2008 at 5:31 am
I know we haven’t really talked much in a long time, but I just wanted to say how happy for you I am. I remember that time I visited you and the ex and all I could think about afterward was how much happier I thought you guys would be apart. I don’t think I ever told you that, but I’m thrilled that you found a great guy!
May 19, 2008 at 6:22 am
@Lauren: Hey honey. It’s so great to hear from you! Yea, you’re right. It’s totally true. I don’t know if I was ever totally happy in that relationship, which is probably what caused me to act up so much while in it. Such is life, but life worked out how it was supposed to. I learned a life and have moved on. It feels fabulous.
May 19, 2008 at 6:25 pm
“Oh, this is what it’s supposed to be like. This is what love is.”
That is pretty much the greatest realization you can ever have.
A lot of this rang so true for me as well.
May 19, 2008 at 10:36 pm
@Princess Pointful: I’m glad you could relate to it. And really that was the best thing I got out of it. I remember feeling so depressed because I had so much of myself invested in something only to realize it wasn’t… it wasn’t good. In fact it was terrible.
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